He’s been 5 minutes away since 2021

Ryan is always 5 minutes away.

He’s 5 minutes away when he’s in the shower. He’s 5 minutes away when he’s asleep. Once, his girlfriend Bec texted “where are you?” and he replied “5 mins,” from the couch, which she was also sitting on.

Bec started timing it. Over 2 years, Ryan’s 5 minutes averaged 47 minutes. She made a chart and called it Ryan Time. It has a legend. It has a trend line, and the trend line goes up.

So she did what everyone does. She started telling him things began an hour early.

That worked for 3 weeks. Then he found out, and now he adds the hour back himself. Plus 47 minutes, because he’s still Ryan. They now arrive at the same events on slightly different days.

Their wedding was at 3. She told him 2. He assumed she meant 3, so he got there at 4, said “5 minutes away” to the priest, and went to find a parking spot. The guests waited. The string quartet played the same song 6 times. Bec’s dad timed it on Ryan Time and said it was actually pretty good.

That’s when they came to me.

Ryan was 40 minutes late to his first session. I told him I wouldn’t wait next time. He was 40 minutes late to the second one too, and I didn’t wait. I went to lunch. He sat in my empty office for the full hour, talking to the plant.

He said it was the best session he’d ever had. He named the plant Gary.

Now he comes every week, always late, always to an empty room, and tells Gary everything. Bec says he’s a different man. He’s still late to everything, but he’s late with a lot of insight.

Last Tuesday, Bec turned up on time, which she always does, to see what Gary was all about. The office was empty. Ryan was late, obviously. So was I.

She texted me: “Where are you? It started 20 minutes ago.”

I replied, “5 minutes away.”

I was in the fucking shower.

Bec’s added me to the chart. I have my own color. Gary is the only one in that office who’s ever been on time, and he’s a plant.

If someone you love is always 5 minutes away, there’s a short illustrated book about them. It’s called Everyone Is Toxic Except Me, and it’s about your favorite person.

Dr Doug Deeper. Fictional adult comedy. Not real therapy or relationship advice.