FriendsNO. 001
Nikki.
What they do: Sends a seven-minute voice note in reply to "what time works?"
My diagnosis
I asked for a time. You sent a podcast. Nobody's subscribed.
Everyone's an asshole.Especially management.DIAGNOSED
Read the room. It's a fucking disaster.
What they did is outrageous. My diagnoses are somehow worse.
48assholes on the Wall
RelationshipsNO. 002
Talia.
What they do: Says "I don't care where we eat," then turns down 27 restaurants, including the one she picked.
My diagnosis
Diagnosis: hungry and the boss. I asked where she'd like our next session. We're on restaurant 19, and I'm billing her for every menu.
WorkNO. 003
Ryan.
What they do: Called a 90-minute meeting about why everyone's calendar is full. It opened with a 40-slide deck called "Time back."
My diagnosis
He's the reason for the meeting he called. I booked a session to talk it through, and he sent me an agenda.
FamilyNO. 004
Maya.
What they do: Borrows your charger "for two seconds" and never gives it back. Showed up at Christmas with three phones at 2% and no charger.
My diagnosis
I found eighteen of your cables in her purse, knotted like a sad octopus. I kept one. My phone was dying.
SocialNO. 005
Oscar.
What they do: Says "one quick drink" at 6pm. At 3:42am he's on a bar table doing karaoke into a straw.
My diagnosis
Diagnosis: liar with a straw. I went along to observe, woke up in a different zip code, and I'm billing him for all nine hours.
EverydayNO. 006
Becca.
What they do: Photographs her latte 27 times, moving it half an inch each time. Posts "morning fuel" at 4:18pm.
My diagnosis
The coffee's cold, the foam's dead and the barista has aged a year. I'd tell her to drink it. Then I'd book her for my headshots.
RelationshipsNO. 007
Louis.
What they do: Steals the whole comforter, rolls himself up like a burrito, then complains she's "making the bed cold."
My diagnosis
Diagnosis: burrito with opinions. I told her to buy her own comforter. He's already asked what color it is.
FriendsNO. 008
Kim.
What they do: Says "I'm five minutes away" from the shower.
My diagnosis
She's not late. She's lying, but wet.
No matches. Disturbing. Apparently someone here is behaving.
Got a better fucking story?
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Report them for free. Or turn someone's ridiculous habits into a $15 illustrated book.