They’ve been getting coffee soon for 8 years

Mel and Dana have been about to get coffee since 2018.

They met at a work thing, got along for 20 minutes, and said, “We should totally get coffee.” Then they didn’t. They said it again at a birthday in 2019. Again at a wedding. Again under each other’s vacation photos, which is the most committed you can be to a coffee without leaving the house.

Mel counted. “We should get coffee soon!!” 340 times, from both sides. Not once did either of them name a day. Once, Dana wrote “next week?” and Mel didn’t reply for 9 days, then wrote “omg yes, soon!!”, and they both felt it had gone really well.

They call each other “my person.” They have a shared playlist. Dana is in Mel’s wedding photos, near the back, holding a glass of water, because they still hadn’t had the coffee.

Mel came to me because she felt terrible about it. “She’s one of my closest friends, and I’ve never seen her drink anything.”

This is my favorite kind of problem, because it isn’t one. But Mel wanted it fixed, so I fixed it.

I booked the coffee myself. Tuesday, 10am, a cafe exactly halfway between them. I put it in both their calendars and told them that if either one canceled, I’d tell the other one why.

They went.

It took 4 minutes for Mel to find out that Dana chews ice. Loudly. For the entire hour. It took 6 minutes for Dana to find out that Mel’s sourdough starter has a name, and the name is Brenda, and Brenda has a birthday. Mel thinks anyone who orders a large iced coffee in November has given up. Dana thinks Brenda is “a lot.”

By 10:30 they’d run out of things to say. By 10:45 they’d split the bill to the cent, on a calculator, including tax.

8 years of friendship, gone in 1 coffee.

Mel came back the next week in pieces. She’d lost her person. Dana had unfollowed Brenda.

So I did what any good therapist would. I told them to go back to saying they should get coffee soon, and never, under any circumstances, get it.

It worked. They’re closer than ever. Dana texted “we should get coffee soon!!” on Friday, Mel replied “omg YES” in under a minute, and neither of them has any intention of seeing the other one again for the rest of their lives. That’s not a broken friendship. That’s a mature one.

Last week, they both walked into the same cafe by accident. They hid behind the same pillar for 20 minutes. Neither of them said a word.

It was the closest they’ve ever been.

I use the same method at home. My wife and I have been saying “we should talk soon” since 2019. Best fucking marriage I’ve ever had. It’s my third.

If you’ve got a friend you’ve been about to see since 2018, there’s a short illustrated book about them. It’s called Everyone Is Toxic Except Me, and it’s about your favorite person.

Dr Doug Deeper. Fictional adult comedy. Not real therapy or relationship advice.